The cycle of addiction brings with it a tangled web of terms, labels, monickers… Co-dependency, enabler, pick up, relapse, recovery, 12-Steps, rehab, detox, half-way, tough love, blues, opiates, LSD, alcohol, addiction, addicts….
The emotions are even more tangled and confused… scared, hopeful, hopeless, angry, sad, worried, anxious, bewildered, afraid, mad...
From day one, I have tried to suppress the urge to make this about me. We all do that. I want to tell everyone not to believe the façade… I avoid any kind of emotional conversation because my feelings are right at the surface. They are on not buried deep. I am a practiced suppressor. I am good at holding my feelings in and I have been holding this in for so long that the veil I am using to hide behind is wearing thin… it’s sheer. I want to hide too, but can’t… I don’t know where to go because I’m not an escape artist. Never have been good at running… suppressing and hoping it goes away… that’s my style.
Watching the family worry and grieve at the loss of innocence is hard. Listening to their need to read hope into an addict talking the talk saddens me… I have held back feelings of worry, anxiety and sadness inside for so long they have churned inside of me at such a rate that they have bred an unimaginable amount of anger.
I am pissed. I don’t like to see how addiction has come into my home and robbed my daughter of her innocence. That she embraced the demon to the point of protecting it as I protected her.
I am mad when my addict looks at me in the face and lies to me. I am angry that I can’t suppress the acknowledgement of dishonesty anymore. The addict I knew was always brutally honest about her problems. Now the addict is talking the talk and I know it. If I confront it then what… I’ve heard it all… As I struggle to keep this household solid and drive two hours every chance I get just to say hi, I deserve more than a lie.
It all comes to the surface…. And it isn’t all about my daughter. Now it’s all coming to the surface. Most of my relationships all end in a pile of lies that I knew were there but chose to ignore. I assume that they’ll cheat on me and that sex is sex and that regardless of where I am or he is that it’s beyond my control… so I focus on controlling myself. I am a control freak over my life. But it all became extremely real now… I deserve the truth and I am worth more than what I accept from my family, my “friends,” and my relations. I’m over it. I’m sad…. I’m mad…. I’m angry…. I’m confused… and dammit…. I’m tired.
I'm tired of accepting being second best or being the buddy... I'm a good person. I want my daughter to know she is better than talking the talk... we don't do that! Never have. So notice is given...
