Motherhood - To Me....

As Mother's Day approaches I am reflecting on my life with my mom, my grandmothers and my children... but also on my life with my children and their dads.  To me, being a mom is about being what I learned from my mom, grandmothers and other women in my life who all taught me something about being the woman/mother I am today. Not sure if it's good or bad, right or wrong, but it's who I am... The only true measurement is in my children and whether my daughter will live her life avoiding being me or whether my son will live his life avoiding women like me...

My mom - She taught me everything.. How to be a mom and how to be a grandmother. That love is selfless... She has been a mom to me and to my two children. She feels that is her role as a grandmother... to help with my children so I can work and not feel like I am abandoning them. I love her.

My Grandmother, Juanita Cypress Osceola - Well, she taught me strength, pride and integrity. To never forget where I come from and that I have a calling - a purpose. Grandma was unselfish and would take care of anyone who came to the village. She found great joy in providing food, shelter and clothing to those who did not or could not get it on their own. She didn't pass judgement on those with problems. She taught all of us that if we wanted something out of life we had to put something into it... She has been gone since 1987, but I still hear her voice and feel her presence. I love her.

My Grandmother, June Yannaco - I consider myself extremely lucky to be 44 years old and to still have my grandma with me. Unlike my relationship with my Grandma Osceola, I did not see Grandma Yannaco everyday. She wasn't a part of my daily life growing up and her voice didn't run through my head. Her teachings didn't guide my decisions... but her blood flowed through my veins. Her decisions and strength affected me without her intent. Her unspoken responsibility to provide for her family and her work ethic is unmatched. Her struggle to survive during the Depression, World War II and through the death of my grandpa and her mom, Great Grandma Eli, lends testimony to her sense of self and courage. I was fortunate that I was able to get to know my Grandma on my own terms. I love her.

My sister/cousin, Barbara Osceola - She will tell you that she always told me, "Learn from my mistakes."  She says that with so much humility that I have always listened to her... I don't consider her mistakes as failures or bad decisions... just as a part of her journey. She has been there to pick me up when I was down. She was there with me in the hospital holding my hand when I was beaten up so bad that I lost two babies. One on her birthday in 1992... Little Robert....  She gave me the gift of life when she walked away and made me stand on my own. It wasn't until she made me stand up and fight for myself that I was able to escape the violence that almost took my life.  Seriously one of the most important women in my life... I love her.

My friend, Staci Eagle Elk - Friend, native sistah... she knows what I mean. That is it in a nutshell! This woman has taught me what true friendship really is... I don't have to explain myself or say anything. She just knows. She tells me what I need to hear, not what I want to hear. When I thought my world was falling apart she was able to put me in check and bring me back to reality. I love her.

My friend, LaDonna Harris - Native woman, leader... icon! This woman's reputation precedes her. She balanced being a mom to her children, a politician's wife, as well as a tribal leader in her own right. She walks the halls of Congress, through the White House doors, as easily as she walks through the Plaza during the Santa Fe Plaza during Indian Market. No other woman has taken my breathe away like LaDonna! I love her!

My daughter, Dakota Osceola-Wheeler - She is why I exist. If it weren't for her arrival in my life, no telling where I would be.  From the day she was born, it was her and I against the world. It was about taking on challenges, being different, embracing diversity and never saying we can't do something. Although I know she thinks that her life's troubles are a disappointment, they are not. I am learning from her every day. She is stronger than I am, she just doesn't see it yet. She will. I am certain of that. I love her.

My son, Brody Osceola Hagen - I know I said women, but I must mention my son. He is my Little Man. He teaches me how to laugh. How to see the bright side of everything. How to enjoy nights on the couch and how a piece of pizza is really a slice of heaven. His smile keeps me going! His being insures that I am homesick everytime I leave home. His random acts of kindness and love keep me ALIVE! I love him.

When I became a "MOM" I made a choice to have her but not her dad. I knew that I wanted this little life growing inside of me and that her dad and I didn't have a healthy relationship and that wasn't good for her. Although we made several attempts at making it work, it just didn't.  But that wasn't her fault... I refused to let her grow up in a dysfunctional environment. I wanted her to know her mom and dad loved her and that she had a huge family who wanted her in their lives. Now that my husband and I are divorcing and we have Brody to think about, I refuse to let our failed relationship affect him.

I thank both of their dads for letting me have two healthy children. I thank both of their dads for letting me be .... well... ME. Dakota's dad is truly a great friend and confidante. Arlo... well... thank you for trying to be fair. Divorce isn't easy. Maybe I didn't try hard enough, maybe I didn't know how... but all I really want is to be the best MOM I can be... I'm not a good wife. I am sorry for that. Maybe I haven't met that person yet... But it doesn't matter... my purpose in life is for these two children who were born to me. Dakota and Brody.

Too many people bring children into this world and forget their role. They don't owe us anything... they didn't ask to be born. My mom, my grandmothers, my sister/cousin, my friends and my children have taught me how to be ME... hope that isn't a bad thing...